“In this book, Henry talks about how we must become aware of generational patterns so we can identify our tendencies and make intentional choices in light of parental influences. Many of us are not aware that we are people pleasers, nor the harm it does to our families. This book helps readers take a deeper look at themselves and is a call to action, reminding fathers of their crucial role in the family and society. I completely relate to Honor Our Sons! I especially like how Henry talks about the importance of developing self-awareness and the need to be intentional about life. Overall, Henry helped me to learn about detrimental, widespread father absence. Thank you, Henry!”

~ Alice Benton, PhD

“I can see how men can find themselves in Henry’s story and be challenged by what he teaches. There are great benefits to Honor Our Sons, and the content is strong! This book takes the reader deeper into the journey of growth in compassion by considering how a man’s inner strength can bless others and how the lack of inner strength can wound others. While reading this book, I gained a clear sense of Henry’s background, concerns, and hopes for his readers. Even more, I felt drawn into the story as I related my own experiences. I invite you to get to know Henry through Honor Our Sons and journey with him into loving your family with purpose and clarity.”

~ Darryl Handy, MDiv.
Currently a Pastor for Mission Community Church in N.C.

 

“Honor Our Sons chronicles Henry’s journey to manhood and how he taught his sons to follow the same path. The lessons are powerful: live a life of integrity, don’t obsess about pleasing others, use difficult situations to work on yourself. Henry has given the rest of us a similar blessing, allowing readers to learn from his example. This is a wonderful gift.”

~ Ryan Snyder

“Henry painted a picture of what his behavior looked like before and after his men’s weekend and intensive counseling. He describes how his behavior changed within his marriage, family, and at work, while showing what it looks like to stand down and stand up. Honor Our Sons captures and explores the psychological and social impact of a father’s absence. Through learning about Henry’s uncertainty as a husband and father, he is qualified to explore this topic. As a father, I am aware of the uncertainty of raising a child. Henry does a wonderful job normalizing this uncertainty and provides a path forward.”

~ Brad Fittes, LPCC

“Personal, humbling, often emotional, Henry’s story and his vulnerability in Honor Our Sons serves inspiration for men needing to feast on the roles of leader, father, and man. For men seeking to avoid toxic masculinity, Saas offers an appropriate, spiritual, and manly alternative that bonds the father and son, and the whole family (any definition of family). Saas transitions from memoir to practical application and details his plan and choices to host a rite of passage ceremony for his sons that nods to the traditions of Native Americans, ancient cultures, and the military. This book is about the transparency and community men need to become better citizens and to lead the next generation.”

     ~ J.M. Green, author of The Novice Angler

To my sons:
Tyler Reed
Jonathan David
Jordan Peter

You three are amazing men.

Thank you, Mitch, for inviting me to a New Warrior Training Adventure hosted by the Mankind Project (mkp.org). Your invitation changed the trajectory of my life and that of my sons.

I want to give a shoutout to the men who supported me and challenged me in my Integration Group (I-Group). I still work every day to integrate manhood’s noble traits into my daily life as a result of what I learned. Thank you.

Thanks to my Pastor, at the time, for connecting me with Kent and building the Bible study I used with my sons.

To the men who attended my breakfast meeting, volunteered for the site preparation team, and attended one or more of the weekends, you have my deepest gratitude. Thank you for investing in the growth of my three sons by sharing your stories. You made a difference.

To Kent and Lori, thank you for catching my vision and sharing your mountain with my sons and me. It was a gift beyond earthly measure.

To the men in my weekly Bible study, Mark, Steve, and Wayne, and to Brad, James, and Mason who sit in circle with me in our group called B.O.B. (Band of Brothers). Many thanks for your support, friendship, and love.

To my readers, Alice, Brad, Darryl, James, Jo, and Ryan, I am deeply indebted. Your feedback made a significant difference in the quality of my book. Thank you for being readers.

To Lizzy Dye, a talented graphic designer. Thank you for creating the cover design for Honor Our Sons. While I thought you did an outstanding job creating the images of a young man, a path, a mountain range, and trees, it was the secret image you cleverly built into the cover design that brought me to tears. During our first meeting, I told you I wanted the cover to communicate that I watched over my sons as they were growing up and as they experienced their initiation and blessing weekend. Lizzy, you beautifully captured my vision. By rotating the cover one-quarter of a turn clockwise, in the last glow of the sun is my profile watching over my son. Wow!

Allison Rimmele, thank you! As my Editor, you exceeded my expectations. The questions you asked and the suggestions you made were spot on and challenged me to dig deeper.

To Terry Sparks, my Production Design Artist, you did a great job creating my Media Kit and posters. Thank you!

To my sons, Tyler, Jon, and Jordan, I’m grateful for the contributions you have made to my life and this book. To this day, I remember the joy and excitement I felt when you and I left home on those Friday nights for our exciting adventure.

To my first wife, Deborah, the mother of our sons, thank you for understanding the significance of initiating our sons into manhood and supporting me through the planning and execution of their adventure weekends.

To my current wife, Deborah, my advisor and best friend, thank you for being a reader, sharing your insights, being open to discuss controversial topics ad nauseam, and encouraging me along the way.

To Elena Rahrig, my publisher, you took my book and turned it into so much more. You captured my passion for guiding boys and men into mature masculinity. You pushed me to share my story, warts and all, for the sake of providing context. Your vision for this book helped us create a teaching tool other men can use to discover the importance of honoring their children. Many thanks!

Finally, to God. You deserve the biggest credit of all. Yes, my friends and I did the physical work, we were your hands and feet, but You did the heavy lifting. You provided the best location and the ideal environment for initiating my sons. You also brought together a team of selfless men who were willing to honor my sons by giving their time and sharing their stories. You performed a miracle right before my eyes. Thank you!

The first time I met Henry was in a small gathering at work. While engaging in small talk, I asked if he had any children. He replied, “Yes, three.”

“Oh, how old are they?” I asked.
“24,” he said.
“And…? And…?” I questioned.

Henry loved a good tease. That’s when I found out he was the father of triplet boys.

As a mother of two, I know parenting is hard work. Parenthood changed me in unimaginable ways. I quickly began to understand the responsibility I carried for their physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being. I was also their memory maker; and if that wasn’t enough, I was responsible for being their role model. Yikes!

In Henry’s book, Honor our Sons, he addresses how to be a good parent which begins with a deep look into oneself. With little guidance from his parents during his youth and into adulthood, Henry worked diligently to secure his blueprint for being a man of integrity.

With triplet sons to teach, lead, and initiate into manhood, Henry realized the teacher first needed to become the student; and so began his journey to self-awareness, personal growth, and the rites of passage. Since then, his passion and focus have been to grow boys into mature men and help men create a vision for mature masculinity.

Whether or not you were blessed with good role models, Henry takes you by your proverbial hand and guides you on a path to maturation and awareness, compelling you to identify and discard toxic behaviors to become who God intended you to be. As Henry’s book favors the male perspective, I believe women recognize and appreciate having a decent, strong partner with whom to raise their children.

Through up-close and personal observation, I admire a proactive man who takes responsibility, leads courageously, and has a servant’s heart. Henry embodies it all, and I am proud to be his wife. I hope you enjoy his book, Honor Our Sons.

~ Deborah Saas

This book ultimately describes how I held an initiation and blessing ceremony to honor my sons as they transitioned from adolescence to manhood. Before I can take you through the planning, preparation, and execution phases of that ceremony, I must first give you some perspective by sharing my story.

My motivation for writing this book is twofold. First, I want to preserve the events herein for my children and grandchildren. Second, I hope you will read this book and be inspired to intentionally honor the growth of your boy(s) into manhood.

As you read Honor Our Sons, keep in mind that my definition of manhood may not be your definition, and that’s okay. Above all, understand this is the rite of passage I chose for my sons, and I do not expect you to copy what I did verbatim. You must explore what works best for you and your family. What will be meaningful to your son? What resources do you need? What resources are easily available? 

Finally, I have included supporting documentation at the end of this book. Hopefully, these documents will assist you when it comes time for you to initiate and bless your sons. I encourage you not to get too bogged down in the details. Some details are simply for historic preservation, while others may serve as catalysts for generating ideas on how you can complete an initiation and blessing ceremony without reinventing the wheel.

When I reflect on my childhood, I cannot remember a distinct moment when my dad took me aside and discussed what it means to be a man. I have met many men who don’t recall having such a discussion with their fathers either, and their behaviors mirror their fathers’ with little to no thought of raising their sons differently. My ultimate hope is that my story inspires you to create a new tradition, one of honoring your son into manhood.

The National Fatherhood Initiative (NFI), which can be found online at Fatherhood.org, is a “non-profit organization working to end father absence.” NFI’s website declares, “There is a father absence crisis in America. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 18.3 million children, 1 in 4, live without a biological, step, or adoptive father in the home. Consequently, there is a father factor in nearly all social ills facing America today.” (2020, U.S. Census Bureau. Living arrangements of children under 18 years old: 1960 to present.) The article continues, “Research shows when a child is raised in a father-absent home, he or she is affected in the following ways.

• four times greater risk of poverty
• more likely to have behavioral problems
• two times greater risk of infant mortality
• more likely to go to prison
• more likely to commit a crime
• seven times more likely to become pregnant as a teen
• more likely to face abuse and neglect
• more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol
• two times more likely to suffer obesity
• two times more likely to drop out of high school.”

These statistics are astounding as much as they are sad. Moving forward, who has the potential to change the trajectory of our children? Who is to blame for the lack of fathers in the home? Who potentially has the power, compassion, motivation, and patience to put their foot down and say, “Enough is enough”? The answer to those questions is… wait for it… Dad. Dads play an incredibly important role in the lives of their children, for better or worse. It’s time we, as men and dads, commit to engaging with and developing our sons.

This book will provide you with answers by giving you tools to be a change agent for your family. You will gain insights into your character, behavior, and thought patterns, so you can identify the ways you contribute to or subtract from honoring your son.

By the time you’re done reading this book, you will have learned about yourself and the initiation and blessing ceremony I did for my sons. Hopefully, my story will spark your interest and generate ideas as you start planning to honor your son into manhood.

It’s important to note that initiating your son into manhood is directly tied to the depth of your character as a man and a father. Does this direct connection mean you have to start working on yourself before initiating your son into manhood? Quite possibly. Here’s why. I would argue that you can’t train your son to grow into mature masculinity if you haven’t been trained yourself. It’s no different than me training someone to be an airplane pilot when I’ve never been trained as a pilot.

When I finally matured as a man, I felt qualified to train my sons on how to grow into mature men. You may already be well-qualified to train your son. To be sure, I encourage you to ask your wife, trusted friends, and mentors if your character and behavior reflect that of a mature man. Look in the mirror and ask yourself the same question. Are you a mature man, inside and out? Do you have the character required to guide your son wisely?

The direct connection between initiating your son into manhood and who you are as a man is why this book is a journey of self-awareness, humility, transparency, and courage. In the end, you have the potential to be more self-confident, authentic, and intentional. You also have the opportunity to see the benefits of investing in yourself. All of this insight can be yours as you learn the how and why of creating, planning, and executing your son’s initiation and blessing ceremony.

Who I am and the experiences that molded me might be different from who you are and your experiences, and that’s perfectly fine. Years ago, when I was 41 years old, I attended a men’s training weekend in which I was initiated into manhood. This life-changing weekend was followed by 2½ years of weekly meetings with other men. These meetings allowed me to learn and apply valuable lessons to my life. As a result, my maturation process kicked into high gear, and for the first time in my life, I felt that my internal age matched my chronological age.

I am the first to admit that I don’t have a PhD after my name, and I’m not a counselor. However, I have three reasons why it is worth your time to hear what I have to say. First, with over 37 years as a father, I have earned the title of D.A.D. (Dedicated Active Dad). I learned, almost too late, how to effectively engage with my sons. In my humble opinion, my wife and I successfully raised three sons from boyhood to manhood. I’ve been their dad, coach, mentor, cheerleader, critic, and friend.

Second, I have scars on my heart and soul representing my mistakes, people I’ve hurt, regrets I must live with, and painful life lessons. In short, I have experience with screwing up. Everyone has a story, and I choose to share mine with you in hopes you’ll be inspired and challenged to do your best as a man, husband, and father.

Lastly, over the last 25 years, I’ve participated in and facilitated men’s groups that focused on resolving unhealthy behaviors by examining their origin and renewing our efforts to be responsible men. Many men have impacted me in positive ways. I want to do the same for you.

Here are a few notes before you get started. I changed the names of the men within my story because I wasn’t able to track the men down to obtain their permission to include them in this book. In addition, my book is intended to be inclusive. If you have a heartbeat, this book is for you. It’s worth noting that since this is my story, there will be Biblical references from time-to-time. I believe in the saving grace of God through His Son, Jesus. As you read this book, I encourage you to take what you want to keep and leave behind the parts you don’t want.

Are you ready? Are you ready to be the father your children need? Are you ready to be the husband you are meant to be? Are you ready to learn, then teach your son? Are you ready to honor your son into manhood? If so, turn the page.

Chapter 1

Men’s Weekend

“The only way out is to go in.”
~ Unknown

With no clear direction in my life, I was living day-to-day without intention. I got married when I was 21 years old. I was employed full-time, but I had no idea how to be a good husband. Looking back, I was a boy in a man’s body for far too many years. I had earned an Associate’s degree in Liberal Arts, yet didn’t have any direction career-wise. I wanted to be an actor, but my mother told me, “Get a real education, something you can fall back on if acting doesn’t pan out.” With that advice, I felt like the carpet had been pulled out from under my feet.

Over the next eight years, I stumbled through at least six jobs (maybe more) before landing a job in banking, which turned into a seventeen-year career. Three years into banking, in 1983, my three sons were born. Yes, all three of them… at the same time. Triplets. To make ends meet, I worked full time at the bank, part-time at a local department store, and attended evening classes in business at Arizona State University. However, when it came to my sons, I had no idea how to raise them. Yes, the first year seemed like nothing but maintenance. Eat. Sleep. Poop. Rinse. Repeat. It was a schedule that didn’t require a lot of deep thought around what the future held for these three cute babies. However, I quickly learned that babies grow, and in no time at all, my sons were real people with their own wants and needs. As author, blogger, and speaker, Gretchen Rubin, states, “The days are long, but the years are short.”

For the first 12½ years of my sons’ lives, I’m sure I taught them some lessons here and there, but these lessons weren’t taught with intention. There wasn’t a goal in mind about how these lessons might help build a solid foundation for my sons. Overall, I only did what I needed to do to make it to the next day, such as helping them with their homework. I never had a long-term perspective on my sons’ lives until I changed, until I matured.

I had a few close friends and many acquaintances, but I was the guy who was alone in a crowded room. You wouldn’t have known it to look at me because I am an extrovert. Although, if you were able to look inside of me, you would have clearly seen my loneliness. I felt empty in my gut. My dear friend, Diane, referred to my emptiness as “a doughnut hole.” Something, or many things, were missing in my life. I had no personal and professional goals. I had no conscious understanding of how my choice of words, destructive behaviors, and poor decisions negatively impacted my wife, sons, employees, friends, others, and even myself. I was lost.

Fortunately, two events took place that set me on a path to a fuller life with many blessings. The first event was in 1992. At the urging of my therapist, I took a week of vacation and scheduled twenty hours of counseling over five days to meet with a therapist specializing in marriage and family relationships. During those twenty hours, the therapist and I put my life under a microscope, analyzing every detail. We looked at my childhood, my adolescence, and my adulthood. Even more, we looked at my marriage and the relationships I had with my children, friends, colleagues, and acquaintances.

Sadly, it was the first time I was taught critical life lessons and began to understand relationships and life. As a result, I had a better grasp on the concepts of boundaries, integrity, authenticity, and responsibility. After one particular counseling session, I remember driving to a local superstore. Once I parked and exited my car, I had to cross the two-way traffic area in front of the store. As I crossed, I didn’t look for an opening, but instead simply kept walking to the entrance without glancing at the traffic. I didn’t have a death wish. My bold behavior was motivated by my feelings of self-worth. As a result of the work I did with my therapist that morning, my self-esteem was off the charts. I thought the drivers would stop for me because it was ME crossing the street. Well, the drivers stopped, of course, but only because I was a pedestrian who wasn’t paying attention to traffic. The work I was undertaking with my therapist was rebuilding me from the ground up. I felt so good, not in an arrogant way, rather in an “I matter” way. After 37 years of life, I finally understood that I mattered. If I didn’t matter to anyone else, I knew I mattered to God and myself—both are more than enough.

The second event was getting to know Mitch. He and I were colleagues at a bank where we were both branch managers. We initially met during a week-long sales conference the bank held for its top performers. He managed a branch in a city just over 200 hundred miles away. I managed the bank branch in the town he grew up in and where his parents still lived. When Mitch would come to town to visit family, he would always stop by my bank branch to say hello. Frequently, that hello turned into a deep and lengthy conversation. The day came when Mitch invited me to an open house for The Mankind Project and The New Warrior Training Adventure.

The open house was on a Sunday afternoon at an exquisite hotel about 45 minutes from my home. Since I didn’t know what to expect, I asked a friend to join me. On the day of the event, my friend called to tell me that he decided not to attend because he was invited to a picnic with his Alcoholics Anonymous group. So, I turned to my wife and asked her to go. As I recall, she wasn’t too thrilled with the idea because it meant bringing our twelve-year-old triplet sons, hoping they could sit still through the presentation. However, with some urging—actually begging—she relented.

When we arrived, there were a fair number of people already seated. My wife sat in the back of the room with one of our sons, and I took a seat towards the front with the other two. The stage had thirteen chairs on it arranged in a semi-circle. Right on time, the door opened, and thirteen men walked single file up to the chairs to take a seat. Then, one-by-one, each man stood up and told us what their weekend training adventure meant to them. I was blown away by their transparency, depth of emotion, and the significant lessons they learned all in one weekend. Those who wanted to register for the upcoming training could reserve their spot with a deposit when the presentation was over. I purposefully, and I mean purposefully, didn’t bring a credit card, cash, or my checkbook for this exact reason. I didn’t want to go, simply because it scared the hell out of me.

It was then I realized it had been four years since I had completed those twenty hours of therapy. I knew in my heart-of-hearts it was time for more work on myself. From listening to those thirteen men, I knew what I had learned from my therapist was just the tip of the possibilities for me. However, I didn’t concede; I didn’t jump up to sign up. Instead, my wife and I stepped out onto the patio, and I asked her, “Do you think I should go?” In an instant, she replied, “Hell yes, you’re going!” I reluctantly walked over to Mitch and told him that I would send him a check for my deposit.

Ultimately, I developed a thirst for learning more about who I was, how I came to be who I was, and how I fit into the world. Therefore, I was willing to go to a training weekend, even if it meant going while kicking and screaming. Deep inside, I knew I would come out far better than when I went in; but the journey I needed to take required a lot of work.

I instinctively knew the men’s training weekend would be a much different approach than my previous twenty hours of counseling. I feared this new journey would require me to look at parts of myself that had never been exposed to light. Even more, I feared the unknown and the shame I would carry when I admitted the truth about myself and took responsibility for my behaviors. What would others think when they learned the truth about me as a man, father, and husband? I felt like I’d get into some kind of trouble, much like the fear a child might have felt if he or she were called to the principal’s office. I was aware that I was thinking and feeling like a little boy, even though I was in a man’s body. I wanted to protect and keep intact the façade I had built around who I was, because that was all I knew. I was perceived by others as likable, funny, upbeat, and outgoing, but I was really insecure, afraid, and lonely. Lastly, there was the lingering question: How would I integrate my current self with a new and improved self if I came out of this training weekend “a new man?”

As the training weekend approached, my fear grew. I didn’t want to leave home for the weekend. I wanted to stay within the comfort of my home, my routine, and my family. (Do you hear the little boy in me? I couldn’t hear it then, but I certainly do now.) Then, I received a call from a man who was associated with the training weekend. We chatted a bit and he gave me carpooling instructions and ended the conversation by saying he looked forward to meeting me.

Suffice to say, I went into the training feeling small and scared. By the end of the weekend, I had gained many insights that I could immediately apply to my life. Leaving the weekend, I felt grounded, confident, and excited to practice my newfound knowledge every day. When I arrived home, my wife and kids instantly knew there was something different about me. When I told them about the lessons I had learned, my wife responded, “Well… we’ll see if it lasts.”

I was disappointed to hear her say that, although she was justified in doing so because I had let her down numerous times in the past. I had broken her trust in me, before and after we were married. However, this time was different. Her comment fanned the fire in me to implement what I learned. More than ever, I was determined to stay true to my newly developed life’s mission statement. I knew companies and organizations had mission statements, but I never considered having one to help direct my life. I was a lost ball with no direction, rolling aimlessly through life. Now, I had direction. Now, I had a concise, memorized response for when I was at risk of losing my way.

My mission is: “To create a world without shame by loving, honoring, and respecting myself and others.” If I’m ever faced with a tough choice, if I ever come to a fork in the road, I easily recall my mission statement and use it as my starting point. If I am committed to creating a world without shame, then my decisions will be noble decisions. My decisions should direct me to love, honor, and respect the other person and myself. When I come alongside someone in need, I will offer help; I will listen to friends with an open heart; I will encourage others; I will model healthy manhood; I will honor my wife and my children, and so much more.

Following the training weekend, the I-Group (Integration Group) met weekly. Every man in attendance had been through a training adventure weekend. These men poured into me as I poured into them. I-Group did exactly what the name implies—it supported me in working every day to integrate into my life the lessons I had learned on my training adventure weekend. While the training weekend opened the door to learning and growing, I-Group helped solidify the changes I wanted to make in my life. I finally felt full inside and grateful to God for my personal growth.

The entire experience helped me to deeply understand the importance of my roles in life. For example, how my role as a husband impacted my wife; how my role as a father influenced my sons; how my role as a man affected my community; how my role as a friend impacted those around me; how my role as an employee and manager impacted my employer and co-workers; how all of my roles combined, directly reflected on me and affected my family. Point blank, the decisions I made, the behaviors I exhibited, how I expressed my emotions, and the words that came out of my mouth impacted every aspect of my life and directly reflected on who I was.

So now, with confidence, I can say the same about you. Every decision you make, behavior and emotion you exhibit, and words that come out of your mouth positively or negatively impact someone around you—including yourself. Most of all, what you say and do is a reflection of who you are.

Do you hear what you’re saying to your family? Have you noticed the tone of your voice? Are you making noble decisions in your life? What or who do you use to guide your decision making? Do you have a personal mission statement? When you die, what is your legacy going to be?

You’re the Captain
My life is like a boat traveling forward in the water. As the Captain of this boat, it’s imperative to periodically turn around and see what or who is in my wake. If the water in my wake is smooth and I can’t think of anyone I dishonored or hurt, then it’s likely I lived in the present—was aware of my tone, words, decisions, and actions.

On the other hand, if I turn around to look at my wake and see the faces of people I’ve hurt, hearts and promises I’ve broken, and people I’ve talked to in an unpleasant tone, then the water in my wake is turbulent and it’s time to do two things. First, I need to apologize to the people in my wake and ask for their forgiveness. Second, I must change my behavior. You see, I now try to live my life in such a way that I never have to apologize to anyone for something I’ve said or done. By being present in the moment, I’m acutely aware of how I treat and serve others. When I do make a mistake, I am the first to apologize and take ownership of what I said or did.

What does your wake look like? After assessing the appearance of your wake, would those close to you agree with your assessment? Are there apologies that need to be made? If you want to smooth out your wake but don’t know where to begin, then start by making your brain work faster than your mouth, honor those around you with your empathy, lift people with your words, respect everyone, and be a good listener.

Here’s the bottom line… it sucks to grow up. How nice, at some level, it would be to have mommy and daddy take care of you your whole life. As you know, it doesn’t work that way. The more responsibility you take on, the faster you mature, and the more you will begin to feel like a man in a man’s body. If you want to grow, then learn from my mistakes and triumphs found throughout this book.

Life is a team sport. I have men sitting on the bench waiting for me to call them into the game to assist me in becoming successful or to work through a personal challenge. Likewise, I’m sitting on their bench waiting for them to call me into their game of life. Now I am calling you into the game. It’s a serious game that should never be taken lightly. Are you ready to step up? Are you ready to go to the next level of maturity? Are you ready to step into real manhood? Are you ready to win in life? If you’re still unsure, just ask your partner. I bet your partner will say, “Heck yes, you’re ready!”